Jackie Patel was calmly stirring a little sugar into his coffee behind the counter of his convenience store in Waltham, Mass., when suddenly a wannabe ninja warrior clad in black from head to toe came bustin’ in swinging a 2′ long machete and demanding money. Clearly shown in surveillance camera video, Jackie continued stirring his coffee while the ninja robber slammed a bag down on the counter and shouted for Jackie to open the till and fill the bag. Jackie kept stirring.

Customers in the store noted a second suspect standing by the door apparently holding a handgun, and they began shrieking “GUN! GUN!” A second later, Ninja Number One took a woodchopper swing with the machete, cuttin’ a big divot out of the counter. Now that got Jackie’s attention!

He whirled around, bent over, grabbed a long-handled feather duster, and began shouting and flailing wildly over the counter at Ninja One. Let’s make that clear, shall we? Jackie’s weapon was a feather duster — and not a feather duster in the shape of a sawed-off shotgun, either. It was a classic, clerk-in-a-convenience-store feather duster!
The result? Both crooks suddenly broke and ran, fleeing out the front door like scalded dogs. Man, they must have really not wanted to get dusted!

When police arrived, Jackie was sipping his coffee and shaking his head at the damage to his counter. The two crooks should have their cards pulled by the Thug Gangsta Union.

Octogenarians Taking Action

His fighting days might be over, but as a predator learned the hard way, his shooting days ain’t.
Sheriff Grover Smith of Escambia County, Ala., told the tale. At about 3 a.m., a masked gunman kicked in the door of an elderly couple’s home and invaded their bedroom, where he commenced flourishing his firearm and demanding their money or their lives.

Sheriff Grover’s constituent, a gentleman of 81 years, snatched up his pistol from a bedside table and pointed it, with powerful purpose, at their uninvited guest. Said “guest,” enraged at this uncooperative attitude, angrily demanded the old fella drop his weapon. He chose not to. Instead, he fired a single shot, smackin’ said guest dead square in the forehead and rendering him instantly null and void.

While pronouncing appropriate regrets at the passing of a possible future celebrity, Sheriff Grover noted the deceased’s most recent address, as of two days previous, was a correctional facility in Nebraska. The Sheriff further announced no charges were to be brought against his octogenarian constituent, who, being peacefully abed at the moment hostilities commenced, clearly acted in self-defense.

As for the gentleman’s wife, Sheriff Grover noted, “She had armed herself with a shotgun by the time I got there.” Good thinkin’, ma’am: All rural Alabamans know trouble often travels in packs.