For years, business owners in Australia and Britain have successfully dealt with loud, rowdy mobs of loitering youths by using “sound repulsion.”

Effective means include playing the buzzing of mosquitoes at frequencies and decibel levels that can’t be heard by most adults, but are barely audible to most teenagers. They can’t see the mosquitoes, and many don’t even form conscious ideas as to what’s bothering them — they just know they should move outta the area, and they do.

But how do you get rid of pigeons? Rail-Corp, the metro train agency in Australia, thinks it’s found the cure — disco balls!

Yeah, they’ve tried all the usual stuff, including use of fake eagles, which the pigeons tried to pick fights with, then attempted to mate with. Placing spike strips in their roosting areas didn’t faze them at all, and their numbers increased to the point where the sheer quantity of pigeon-poop created a slip-and-fall hazard around the stations.

But disco balls did the trick! Small, high-intensity lights shine on the wind-wobbled disco balls, and the pigeons are so disoriented by the flashing they avoid the area entirely.

I can’t blame ’em. I’ve avoided being around disco balls since the ’70’s! For me, it’s a fear of being surrounded by dancin’ weirdos in pastel polyester suits.

No Dwile Flonking?

In a move condemned by devout dwile flonkers everywhere, the District Council of Norfolk, England, passed an ordinance completely banning dwile flonking just as the first World Dwile Flonking Championships were getting underway in Ludham, Great Yarmouth. Unbelievably, the Council claimed dwile flonking is a “health and safety problem.” Dwile flonkers around the globe are uniting behind their Norfolk brethren and poppin’ their pence into a “flonking freedom” legal defense fund.

What? You’ve never heard of dwile flonking? Have ya been livin’ under a rock, or what? In this sport, which is said to date back to medieval times, the flonker dangles a beer-soaked bar rag on the end of a short stick, then takes aim and flips it at an opponent’s face. If the flonker misses the flonkee twice in a row, he or she must then quickly chug a half-pint of ale.

After a double miss or two, it is reported the flonker’s aim and coordination degrades rapidly, but they seem to derive
ever-greater enjoyment from it even as they lose. Flonked individuals presumably get to consume whatever suds they can from the brew-soaked rags on their faces. It may take ’em longer, but flonkees apparently enjoy the game as much as the flonkers do. We’re thinkin’ this is gonna be an exhibition sport in the next Olympics.