A word of advice: Even if you know you’re driving too fast, and even if the guy who tries to pull you over yells that he’s a policeman and you must stop or be placed under arrest, if his scepter of authority — or maybe his “alternative sidearm?” — is a 10-inch barbecue fork, he’s probably not a real cop, so keep driving and hope for the best.

According to police in Pompano Beach, Fla., 69-year-old Howard Schultz actually got at least one motorist to pull over when he loudly identified himself as a police officer and waved his barbecue fork at ’em. The motorist didn’t even recall exactly what Howard was yakkin’ at him about while he was stopped, but believably said he feared for his life as Howie waved that big fork at him. The victim was finally released on his own recognizance and called the real cops. They found Howard pointing his fork at other drivers and arrested him for aggravated assault, impersonating an officer, and probably some kind of food-preparation offense.

I think I’ll stick to pointing an old hair dryer, painted flat black, at passing speeders. It slows ’em right down. But I really need a big LED-lit display board on which I can flash my estimates of their speeds and some enlightening message. Send your donations to me care of Shooting Industry magazine, OK? Thanks!

Stupid, Shirtless Criminals

And our dumb crook of the month is … Jonathan Huntley, of Charlotte, N.C.! Police offered no explanation for why Huntley left his T-shirt at the scene of a home invasion robbery, but they’re glad he left the one he did. It was a custom-made T-shirt featuring an old police-booking photo of himself, framed by the statement, “Making Money Is My Thang.”

Maybe he can get another custom T-shirt made when he gets outta prison, featuring his latest mug shot and the words, “Making License Plates Is My Thang.” Ya think?

A Pistol With A Droopy Barrel? Huh?

A Shell gas station attendant in La Mesa, Calif., was at least momentarily impressed when a tall young dude dressed in black with a bandanna over his face burst in, announced a robbery and pointed his “pistol” in a menacing manner. But while the suspect was ordering him to empty the cash register, the clerk couldn’t take his eyes off that “gun” — and noticed the barrel was sorta, well, droopy.

Then, he squinted his eyes and got a closer look. The “pistol” was a black glove, scrunched into the shape of a gun, with a finger serving as its barrel. The wannabe stickup man might have had better luck by keeping his finger in the glove.
Whereas our hero was no longer impressed with that “gun,” the suspect was really, really impressed when the attendant whipped out a very real, long, hefty screwdriver and advanced like a swordfighter with something other than kindness in his eyes.

You guessed it: Mr. Tough Guy took to his heels, fast. Screwdriver: 1; glove-gun: 0. Game over.

Are You Ready For Zombies?

The CDC has a sense of humor? Or do they know something we don’t? The government Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta recently issued this post: “Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse,” authored by Assistant Surgeon General Ali Kahn.
Dr. Kahn warned Americans about the challenges and hazards posed by sudden invasions of flesh-eating zombies, plus tips about how to secure your home, prepare your family, and equip yourself to hunker down in your bunker if you rise one morning to find “… zombies … appearing outside your doorstep.”

Oddly enough, many of the suggestions Khan makes would be equally valuable if you were preparing for the possibility of a hurricane, pandemic, flooding, earthquake or other natural catastrophe. And, it turns out, that’s really what he was trying to accomplish. Kahn said he wrote the post in this style in reaction to complaints that CDC’s postings were so dull, dry, technical and repetitive that people didn’t bother to read them. But he got some attention with his Zombie Apocalypse warning!

Of course, he might really be expecting a massive zombie outbreak, and he’s just trying to hedge his bets and cover his political butt. So, by all means, contact CDC for a copy of the posting, then display it prominently over your stock of Zombie Targets! Don’t wait until the Undead are moanin’, slouching and shuffling through your door!