It was eight or nine nights after an event I was involved in. The community activists, the media (local and national), and several politicians had gone absolutely sideways and turned into a mob. The only thing close I had seen in my career was an unintentional fatal shooting several years before. I had been doxed, a whole bunch of my information had gotten out on the net, and we had fled our home, going into hiding.
That mob was demanding my arrest—and other things, all bad. To burn off the stress, anger, and fear, I spent a lot of time walking uphill and down on a very long rural driveway.
Out of everything I had experienced in my life up to that point, nothing had drained my reserves like the aftermath of that event. It was not the event that happened; it was all the mental impact those others were having.
I had nothing left in the tank. Taking another hit did not seem possible. The idea of absorbing more blows was not fathomable.
Decision
In between a few phone calls, I made a decision. Suicide was never going to be on the table. It was not an option. The why behind that had nothing to do with me. Rather, it had to do with family and friends. They were putting up with enough garbage; I didn’t want them to have to deal with fallout and media noise that would have come from me killing myself. It wasn’t the best reason, but it was a good enough one. Over the years, despite a lot of crap, it was a decision I stuck with.
But enough about me. September is National Suicide Prevention Month.
Suicide
While suicide has become a greater concern for the public since the COVID-19 pandemic, it has been a significant problem in the first responder community (and the military) for years.
As I outlined this article, I thought about the number of suicides during my career by cops I knew. I didn’t even have a year on when the first one happened. The deputy, who had twin daughters, killed himself in a courthouse restroom one morning – while court was in session. Our patrol sergeant had us treat his funeral like a line-of-duty death. We all attended and were in uniform. I got the impression that was not the norm. I worked with one of his daughters later in my career. His suicide still affected her terribly.
There were four more cops I knew who were confirmed to have committed suicide. One was a federal agent, a retired sergeant from another agency, then a correctional lieutenant, and finally, a retired chief who was about to run for sheriff. Never heard the “why” in most of these. But that doesn’t matter. All four left loved ones behind with too many questions, likely because of something that would not have mattered in a brief time.
National Numbers
Because of the differences in record keeping, the lack of national standards, concerns about the memories of the officer, and more, there are no good numbers on the problem. And this is not a new problem. In doing the research for this article, I came across the following:
– From October 2005 to July 2006, seven CHP officers took their own lives (insidebayarea.org);
– A report from ABC News said 1200+ officers committed suicide between 2016-2020;
– 2019 data from First Help said 234 current or retired officers killed themselves that year;
– 2021 numbers show 147 known suicides by officers;
– The Fraternal Order of Police reports a yearly average of 184 law enforcement or corrections suicides;
First Help had a report that showed these numbers:
– 51% were local police officers;
– 20% worked at sheriff’s offices;
– 13% were in corrections;
– Retirees made up 17%
– And 5% had been fired.
Seventeen percent had sought treatment for Post Traumatic Stress, and another seven percent looked for any mental health treatment.
Signs
Yes, most will see these in hindsight. But it is important to listen and look for them ahead of time.
Recognize that you are in crisis, and reach out!
Others include hopelessness and feeling that you lack worth to others. If you are having thoughts of suicide, take them seriously and ask for help (psychologytoday.com).
Warning signs include:
Are they talking about wanting to die, having a lot of guilt or shame, or being a burden to others?
Do they feel empty, hopelessly trapped, or do not have any reason to hope things will improve?
Behaviors
Changing behavior can also involve:
Planning to kill themselves, withdrawing from those close to you, doing too much or too little of things you enjoy, and abusing alcohol and drugs. On that last point, alcohol is accepted in our world, maybe too much. And there is one more – dangerous risk. Driving too fast is one; fatal solo vehicle crashes in clear weather on good roads are a thing. What about how you handle calls for service? Never mind our access to firearms.
Data Collection
The FOP president’s thoughts on the Law Enforcement Suicide Data Collection Act: “Every day, officers put themselves at risk physically to protect the public. But officers also face mental health challenges that can result in depression, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, marital problems, and all too often, suicide,” said Yoes. “While much has been done to protect officers’ physical safety, the sad reality is that we lose more officers to suicide every year than die in the line of duty.”
Final Thought
It has been said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please ask for help.
Resources:
First Responder Support Network and their West Coast Post Trauma Retreat. I attended their residential program, and it helped. I absolutely recommend them. FRSN has expanded outside of California.
The Overwatch Collective is another California-based resource that fundraises and has contacts and resources across the country.
Tac Mobility– focuses on officer wellness, too.
Veteran’s Administration—if you served, reach out to them. Be aware, though, that they aren’t fast.
FOP on the Law Enforcement Suicide Data Act