Sign? Oh, You Mean Those Signs!

In Yellowstone National Park, it’s getting difficult to see the animals because of all the signs warning morons that wildlife is wild. Some are brief, while others go on about how bison can stand 6 feet tall, weigh over a ton, rumble along at 30 miles per hour, and stomp your butt into shreds in a mudhole an’ walk it dry.

Cathy Hayes and a friend saw those signs. They also spotted a lone bull bison. So, of course, they tried to sneak up close with a video camera. Cathy’s husband, who we suspect hoards the IQ points in the family, stayed in the car.

On the clip, you can hear her saying, “So we’re here in the park and there’s a buffalo, and he’s just wandering across the road. We’ll get a shot of bleep getting gored by the buffalo.”

Shortly after that, she and her pal got proof of just how fast a bison can move. Cathy found herself launched into near-Earth orbit. When she landed, the buff was there waiting.

“I was waiting for him to stomp my head, ’cause I could hear his breathing and his hooves were right by my head,” she said. “I thought this was how I was going to go out.”

That’s when her husband leaped from the car and did his impression of a rodeo clown. The buff, who coulda cleaned all their clocks, inexplicably put his tail in the air and ran away.

“Don’t do what I did. Be smart, people,” she told reporters.

How ’bout just “Read the signs, dummies!”

Stick With Customizing Your Glock

Hey, diversifying your goods is a great idea, and books, CDs and DVDs are a rapidly growing product area, but you gotta be careful about your selections. As professional booksellers know, just the title of a book can turn 90 percent of your customers completely off. They even hold a contest annually — The Diagram Prize — and vote on the worst, slowest-selling titles of the year.

I mean, how many people are gonna be attracted to a book titled “Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter”? Or how ’bout “Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich”? Both are finalists for (dis)honors for 2009.

“The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease” and “What Kind of Bean is This Chihuahua?” are also on the short list. Cut from competition was a favorite of mine, “Peek-A-Poo: What’s In Your Diaper?” but “Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes” did nothin’ for me at all.

Now, keep in mind, these titles appealed to some poor schmuck assistant-publisher somewhere — they actually got printed! — so don’t give up hope on your blockbuster book ideas of “Accidental Discharges: A Laugh a Minute!” or “101 Fun Uses for Corroded Bore Brushes,” OK? We’re sure somebody out there wants to read ’em. Somebody way out there …